“Aren’t you worried Ancestry.com will use your DNA without your consent?” asks my genetically deformed friend. You see, I recently purchased an Ancestry DNA kit. “Me? Worry!? No. You’re the one who should be worried. What will you do once there are a billion me’s and only one of you?” I’m the perfect specimen.
We could all be living in a Utopian future. After I submit my saliva to Ancestry.com, they will instantly realize my DNA is the most superior DNA on the planet and soon, scientists from all over the world will begin making clones in my image. It makes perfect sense because I’m better than you.
I’m 47 years old. I’m a straight white male. And sure, I might weigh close to 300lbs from eating McDonald’s everyday but all that excess body fat only proves that I can sustain more energy than the average human being. If God existed then he’d pretty much be me. And definitely, not you.
I’m also a genius.
Perhaps if you had the intellectual capacity to comprehend all the big words I use so eloquently then you, too, could be as smart as me. But your brain is simply too small. Therefore, Ancestry.com will take note of my intelligence and have no choice but to save my DNA for future clones. And probably destroys yours altogether!
Of course, I won’t even acknowledge the fact that Ancestry.com is working with pharma companies to create better drugs. We should also ignore the fact that Ancestry.com uses DNA information to see which groups of people are more or less susceptible to disease. You know, just in case a world power would like to weaponize a biological weapon that could kill everyone. Except me. Because I’m immune to dying.
Also, fuck you.
Editorial Note: Mental Health & Technology is an original ourGemCodes series that explores technology and how technology is affecting our mental health.